No where to go but up.

    Well, my parents didn't want me to write this but I feel as if I had to. But, don't worry. I'm not going to do what everybody thinks I'm going to do in go off in a profanity raid, or have a pity party of what is going on in my life right now. That is just what I'm telling you. I'm dealing with some real personal struggles right now. A little bit of it has been effectiving my running, and don't want it to effect my work, spiritual, or social life. On, Sunday after doing some thinking, drinking, eating Five Guys Burgers and Fries and things I feel ashamed of I realize I don't like the person that my mind or devil is forcing me to become.
  
    Don't get me wrong  on Sunday I enjoyed seeing the faces of people down at the 26 mile mark cheering on those about to finish their marathon and the encouragement everyone gave or even those finishing the half marathon as well. It makes me happy and blessed to be in this sport. However, I felt sad that I could have been a part of it. If I wasn't running it may be a different story because I would still go down and watch and cheer everybody. So for everybody that I didn't  congragulate or seemed a little fake in the tone of my voice when I did congragulate, I sincerly apologize. A lot of you are trying to give me some encouragement, hugs, and prayers and for that I thank you. Talking to those I've been close to and realizing what I do have and focusing realizing what I DON'T have has made me realize I'm a very selfish human being. I mean we all are at times. I guess for my male testosterones that get in the way and I try to be aggressive or set myself high in everything I try to do. Because I don't want to fail or let anybody down.
 
     However, after talking to a friend in my church this week I should remember it's not what I want for myself or what everybody wants for me or even themselves, it's about what God wants for us. I believe he does want good things for me and wants me to achieve my goals in running but especially those goals I have for myself outside of it as well. I think that he is trying to tell me something that maybe I should still be patient and trust him. I mean it took me years and hard work to get where I'm at in running and also right here in Columbus. It just may be the same for everything else. I just need to be patient and he'll let me know when I find what I'm looking for. We are all guilty of forgetting what we got and become selfish to try to satisfy our needs one way or another.
  
    Although, I may have been physically able to finish that race on Sunday I defintely wasn't able to finish it mentally with what has been on my heart, recovering from sore hips and still unsure of my physical fitness. I've lost a little bit of confidence after I ran pretty gutsy at Boston this past Spring and I'm just trying to find my way back. Maybe, this could be a blessing. We can't be on top of our game all the time. I still have goals for myself in running and need to use it as a reliever and try to not let everything else get in the way. It becomes a safety net sometimes and there are times where things may not go as planned.

   To conclude, I'm tired of bitching and feeling sorry for myself. I appreciate all of your encouragement and I hope you all know I would do the same for you all too. I want to move forward and run with the same passion but be patient, mindful, and trust what God plans are for me in all areas and just let go. I mean I not the only one with problems and the best way to go is to look up. :)