Humbled

I had to think a lot about I want to talk about before posting this blog. Many of you know I’ve been dealing with a lot of internal personal struggle. Whenever it may be not where I plan on being where I’m at during this point of my life, getting older and dealing with nagging injuries, I had a constant reminder this week that made me feel like an EXTREMELY SELFISH PERSON despite where I’m at in life.

At work there have been a few individuals on our team in our area that seem to be slacking or not consistently doing their job. Our Acting Supervisor sent out an email about making mistakes and we would get written up for it if it happens again. When I read the email, I admit I was extremely PISSED!!! Thinking it was the Last Straw. Knowing if I made an error I was quick to correct and helping out whenever needed. I emailed her back saying that I would like to talk to her personally knowing that she said in the email if anybody has any problems she could speak to her personally.

So, a meeting was set up this past Tuesday in the office. I admit I actually nervous. 15 Minutes beforehand in my cubicle I had a God Like moment and said a Prayer. “Lord, you know what is on my Heart and how I’m feeling. Please give me the words you want me to say and I hope for any good to come out of our meeting”

Anyway, we met in a conference room. I said what I thought about half the employees and we both agreed on who on our team is doing the work and who is not. We were very honest with each other and I told her if it feels like I am lacking in work just let me know. Then, for the 2^nd half of our conversation I told her about my personal struggles relating to not getting a high Analyst Job and it relating to me comparing myself to my friends outside of work whenever it maybe with success at work, home, relationships etc.

I believe she of course just being our Acting Supervisor right now and being an Analyst understood my frustration and told me it not very healthy to compare yourself to others success and the best thing is to be happy for them and things tend to happen for a reason. She told me is had to work hard from the way up to get the position where she was at. A few years ago, when a few Analyst positions were up her friend got one of them but and not her, however she congratulated her friend knowing that she felt she deserved one of those Analyst positions. Yet, her friend’s older daughter died suddenly of Leukemia and had a 18 month old daughter. My Supervisor told me that she thinks that the Lord made sure she had that gotten that position because she now had to look after her Granddaughter.  Long story short, someone had moved up and another position was open and my Acting Supervisor was the next one up and she got it.

            And while she said this story it had got me thinking how selfish I am. I have a roof over my head, a job, my health and ability to run, coaching kids in running, and most of all Family and Friends that care about me even thought I don’t see many of them as I like to. This really brought me back down to where I needed to be and how God makes things happen for a reason and how I should listen and pray to him more often. I felt much better after our meeting and my Acting Supervisor seemed to be a very good Christian Woman and we communicated very well with each other and I think there is a lot of trust there. This is very important for me because over the last few years I have forgotten why am I here at my job and it is because I am helping the Department of Defense and our Military. I may not be where I want to be right now there but after that meeting I know there are good people there who do pay attention to what others do and where their hearts are. Right now, I’m just going to keep trying to do the best job I can and hopefully when I apply and get an interview again they will look at my hard work and maybe say “Lets give this guy a chance.”.  It’s hard since I think they choose on whom they really want.

            Though this does not chance the fact that now I’m in my 30’s and still Single. That is one area I am extremely jealous of others and it is very hard for me to give that to God. I’ve seen friends either who are dating, engaged, married and/or have kids and I think what am I doing wrong for this to be happening to right now at this point? It makes me feel that one of my Greatest Fears will come true, I’M GOING TO DIE ALONE!  I admit I have not gone on many dates like I wanted to. Though I am not that busy to not be dating anyone despite running, coaching and working. People ask me, “Why don’t you go on Dating Sites?” I have done that before with only minimal success. It’s great but meeting someone naturally face to face feels better, I don’t know it feels like with dating sites you both are meeting just because but the first time is very strange and you either have chemistry or you don’t. I don't care if she isn't much of runner but I would like for her to Watch and Go to Ohio State Buckeye Football Games with 😁 🏈

            Which makes getting older in my Running much more difficult. I’m already starting to feel the effects of running since high school. Right now, I’m trying to have a year where I’m not hurt or banged up for half of the year. I have some good moments for the last 3 years since such as running 1:11 in 2014 Columbus Half Marathon, actually winning the 2017 Capital City Half Marathon this past Spring, getting a special medal for placing top 3 in my age group at the 2017 Chicago Shamrock Shuffle 8K (one of the biggest road races in the Country).  Though I haven’t completed a Full Marathon since 2012, I tried Columbus last year but DNF. The Columbus Half Marathon this past October was very disappointing for me probably one of the Worst Half Marathons ever due to the Heat, Nausea, and Extreme Tightness in my Hips, Glutes, and Hamstrings. I didn’t really handle myself very well at the CRC Post Race Party and had to have an Uber Driver bring me back to my house, got sick and called off work the next day. Not a very proud moment for me but I was thankful some of my friends were looking out for me at the time.

            I admit it feels like it’s getting harder and harder every year completing. There are a couple of younger guys on the Elite team now and I’m just trying to keep up or I’m trying to compare myself with them even though I’m a few years older or more. With what I went through this past Fall and my place I’m afraid I’m starting to become BURNOUT.

           Though, out of all of this and what I got from my Meeting with my Supervisor is that I should be grateful so far. I’m still healthy for a guy my age, running well & competitively, family & friends. In fact I should feel lucky. I have know friends that have struggled through Alcohol and Drug Addiction, Gotten Divorced, or lost Love ones.  
          
          I’m still doing something outside of work that I loved doing & that is Coaching. Whenever, it may be mostly with Middle Schoolers, I still enjoy helping them and seeing them succeed. I will continue to support them in High School whenever it may be through their athletics, academics, and in their community involvement. To me encouraging them is the best way many of them can grow up and become functional Adults in Society. Down the Road, I like to maybe get a little more training and maybe start Coaching Post Collegiate Athletes on the side. I mostly been coaching myself but it helps to have someone set up workouts, core & strength training so they can set PR’s and continue to be ambassadors to the sport like I have.

Which is the thing, along with Injuries, Personal Struggle I think I lost a little bit of my motivation the last couple of years and for some races I haven’t I would say gotten Fired Up or Passionate about like I used to. I remember motivating myself to run Boston, or coming back the next year to run the Full in Columbus, and had that great year in 2013 going after Sub 1:10 in the Half, Columbus Half again in 2014, and winning Cap City last year. I really want to try to make 2018 one of my last great years in my 30’s before who knows what happens and keep me motivated to one day run competitively as a Master.

Which is why MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT is in this January I’m going to enter in the Online Lottery in the hopes of Competing in THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON next November. Hopefully my half marathon time (1:12:41) from this year will be able to get me into the lottery in order for me to run a New York this next year. Don't have to necessary race it or go all out like I did in Boston but just to say that I ran it. It could be a little later than Columbus around 2-3 weeks after Columbus so I could just plan on racing the Half Marathon in Columbus as a tuneup then run New York a few weeks later. I've already ran Boston many years ago, ran Columbus many times and Cleveland once so I think I want to go out on an adventure and I know despite the busy times at work during September and Coaching XC I can still be able to put in the mileage and achieve Another Major Distance Running Accomplishment in my life. 

I do plan on maybe running another half marathon this Spring, leaning towards going back to Indianapolis, and doing the Indy Mini again. Even though Track will be a busy season it still a good way for me to stay motivated.

This is many of the running, personal goals I want to achieve this coming year. I know the last couple of years have been up and down. And I'm still fighting & dealing with Loneliness and Depression Mood Swings (It's going to take someone special to deal with me) . Some of it I can't control while I think there is some of it that has been my own doing. A couple of things have gotten rougher as I have gotten older & I became fed up and took myself away at times from family and friends. I recently been going to another Church in the hopes that they would see me as more than a Distance Runner. It has been fine and I'm trying to open myself up more kind of what I do here. It's like a therapy session for me. I want to heal up after Club Cross, Read more books on Track and Faith based, and REBUILD/REDESIGN/RECLAIM but not in running. IN MYSELF.

I think God puts reminders or shows some things in life that makes us take a look at ourselves and see what we're thankful for. My goal is to probably take more time to listen to what is around me in order to become the Best Son, Runner, Role Model, Coach, but the Best Person I know I want to be and that my future spouse (if it happens) wants me to be. We all got Mountains to climb and the best way is to conquer them with each other! 😃